Just like the white winged dove...

Dear Chuck,

I recently visited a clairvoyant at the urging of a friend who swears by this woman. There was even a waiting list! Mystic Meg told me amongst other things that I would marry my current boyfriend, and be blessed with 3 children (2 boys and a girl), we will apparently live happily and life will be good.

I was quite excited by all this, but I am still not really sure if I believe in psychics - in the back of my mind I do wonder that they’re not just telling us what they think we want to hear. Do you think I should believe what she said (I wonder if this will affect my relationship – maybe I will become “comfortable” if I know he’s in the metaphysical bag?)

Regards

Rebecca.

Dear Rebecca,

Wow, you should probably drop everything, storm into your bosses’ office and quit immediately so that you can focus all your time planning a Cinderella themed wedding (complete with replica horse and pumpkin carriage) and preparing your spare room as a nursery. You need to be prepared for your future after all.

In case you couldn’t tell, Chuck’s not a huge fan of clairvoyants.

In a stark departure from the norm, let Chuck crack his armour-like veneer and give you a firsthand tale of how full of fucking shit clairvoyants can be.

Before Reality Bytes readers knew Chuck as an upwardly mobile man of the people, he was in fact just a regular Joe – battling in a competitive world to find Ms. Right. Chuck had managed to snag himself a foxy little thing (FLT) who exuded confidence, had a tidy rig, a bright career and was a dynamo in the sack. Needless to say Chuck was smitten. Unfortunately for Chuck (and absolutely unbelievable for Chuck’s loyal fans out there in cyberspace), the FTL didn’t necessarily reciprocate the feelings. Chuck knew the FTL was interested, it just wasn’t clear how much.

Chuck being the motherfucking P.I.M.P that he is, refused to give this one up, sensing that the FLT was a keeper. Chuck turned up the charm, absorbed the phases when interest waned and continued the relentless pursuit.  Chuck pulled out all stops in the attempt to lock the FLT down.

About 8 weeks into the courtship, Chuck took the FLT to an upscale drinking establishment with dark corners in the hope that the romantic locale and mood lighting would suddenly thrust the FLT into lustful love. Chuck plied the FLT with a cocktail and got down to the business of exuding awesomeness.

After a cocktail or two the FLT excused herself so that she could attend to ladies business in the toilet. Chuck sat there aimlessly waiting for her return. After 15 minutes Chuck started to wonder whether someone had slipped GHB (the date rape drug) in her drink and abducted her or that she was taking an enormous dump. Chuck stood up to go and look only to notice the FLT talking to some guy over at the bar. Obviously Chuck’s first thought was that this dude was trying to cut his grass but this was allayed by the FLT offering a sexy little wave that suggested she would be right back.

Chuck sat back down, pretended to attend to non-existent text messages (please note – Chuck wasn’t nearly as important as he is now) and waited. About 2 minutes later, an older woman who looked and dressed like Stevie Nicks (ok, significantly less attractive) floated by and plonked herself next to Chuck. Chuck smiled politely and said hello. The Stevie Nicks wannabe greeted Chuck and inquired as to why such a handsome man was sitting alone.

Chuck pointed to the FLT (who was still talking to the bloke at the bar) and indicated that her return was imminent. Stevie Nicks saw a break in play and decided that she would probe a little deeper. Perhaps it was because she was an older lady or that she looked stoned to the bejesus, but Chuck found himself effectively telling Stevie Nicks the entire dating story. Stevie smiled, nodded and took it all in.

Being a polite gentleman, Chuck attempted small talk back and went with the stock standard “so what do you do for a living?” Wouldn’t you know it; Stevie Nicks responded that she was a clairvoyant!

Chuck nodded with some scepticism, which Stevie immediately noticed. As if to prove her worth, Stevie promptly stated that Chuck was a Pisces. Chuck smiled and Stevie said “and I’m a good Clairvoyant too”. Chuck couldn’t help but chuckle when he replied, “yeah you’re not too bad, you only missed by one, I’m an Aries”. Stevie didn’t miss a beat and retorted ‘its dark, let me keep going”.

Never one to dismiss a showman without a show, Chuck motioned for Stevie to continue. Stevie clearly relished the opportunity and proceeded to launch into a 10-minute session that rattled Chuck to the core (again, it will be tough for long time Reality Bytes readers to understand this, but once upon a time, Chuck wasn’t the beacon of strength and confidence that he is today).  It seemed that Stevie’s entire fortune telling act was focused on the FLT and how it clearly wasn’t going to work. A couple of key tidbits from Stevie included:

“She isn’t looking for a relationship”

“She is scarred and will never accept true love”

“Look at her over there with that guy, she is clearly more into him than you”

“You aren’t compatible whatsoever and you’re destined to be with a brunette (The FLT was blonde)”

“It wont last more than 3 months”

Needless to say, a younger and more impressionable Chuck took this all in and began processing the information – yep, that all adds up! The FLT finally returned to where Chuck was and introduced herself to Stevie Nicks. Stevie said hello, stood up, stated that she had be somewhere and left. The FLT sat down, took a sip of her drink and wondered why Chuck had suddenly clammed up.

Chuck was so frazzled that conversation became strained and the FLT suggested the evening should end. On the walk to the car, Chuck decided it was an opportune time to quiz the FLT about her intentions, desires and emotional makeup. Of course this led to an awkward argument and the FLT had every reason to question her being with Chuck.

Let Chuck stop the story right there. With the power of maturity and hindsight, it is easy for Chuck to consider the following information and discount Stevie Nicks immediately:

• She wasn’t wearing any form of official clairvoyant certification, nor did junior Chuck ask to see her badge
• She was dressed like Stevie Nicks
• She was potentially a vagrant. She wasn’t with anyone at the club and vanished
• She may have been a crack head
• She may have got Chucks “I’m not interested in porking you” vibe and become a lover spurned

But to a younger, significantly more impressionable Chuck, this woman had touched on every negative nerve that Chuck had in regards to the FLT and elicited such a poor response that Chuck himself almost became a self fulfilling prophecy by blowing himself out of the water with the stupid argument in the car park.

So after that long-winded and less than interesting story, most of you are wondering, “well, what the hell happened to Chuck and the FLT?”

The FLT is now Mrs Long nearly 10 years on (and she assures Chuck as happy as ever….except for the constant references to blow jobs)

I guess Chuck’s point is that clairvoyants often tell you what you want to hear or at least present the information in such a way that you hear what you want to hear. Chuck was uncertain about the FLT’s / Mrs Long’s intentions and grasped at every negative thing that Stevie Crackwhore had to say.

Having your fortune told is an inexact science as evidenced by the fact that people often shop around looking for better or improved fortunes. Does having your fortune told in a different suburb by a new psychic increase the likelihood of better things happening to you? On top of that, how many people (aside from Chuck) ever get a bad fortune telling?

Psychic – “Dear, I’m afraid that your current boyfriend is a burnout loser, you’ll never conceive a child despite trying for your entire life and your career will be a series of dead end low paying jobs”

And why do you never get readings like the above? Because if a clairvoyant shattered your dreams by telling you negative things you’d never go back and you’d tell all your mates how shit they were, sending the clairvoyant out of business. Actually, now that Chuck thinks about it, perhaps clairvoyants are able to predict the future. By telling you exactly what you want to hear, they’re guaranteeing that their future will always be bright and prosperous!