Room for only one cock in the henhouse

Chuck,

I think I have a problem with one of my mates and have no f*cking clue how to handle it. A group of the lads head out almost every weekend for a few drinks and obviously to try our luck with the ladies. Almost every time I’ve been in pretty good with a girl my mate finds a way to interrupt and totally kill any chance I had. Why would any bloke do this and how do I sort it out? I’m pretty sure I’m not over reacting here.

Dennis

Dennis,

Getting cock blocked when you’re on a sure thing totally fucking sucks. Typically the cock block comes from one of the girl’s friends who uses the rationale that “she doesn’t want to let her friend make a mistake that she’ll regret forever” (when in reality it’s because she is totally jealous that she couldn’t pick up and if she cant get laid, no one will). There isn’t much you can do to nullify this cock block other than to employ an expert wingman who’ll take one for the team.  The only other option for dodging the friend cock block is to quickly and deftly find a dark and secluded corner and then secretly exit the premises before the friend figures out where you are, however a woman set on not letting a dude pork a friend is very rarely beaten by this maneuver. Its like the minute they decide that their pal is NOT getting boned, they develop an ultra sensitive radar that allows them to track her at all times.

You will find cock blocking taking place in the male species but it’s rarely amongst mates and generally involves 2 dudes angling for the same woman. If two guys are interested in the same lady, you’ll often see one or both trying to usurp the other. Some women love the attention and will soak both guys for attention and preferably drinks while other women get tired of the testosterone and leave the dudes to scrap it out without her. One of Chucks favourite cock blocks is the former couple that happen to end up in the same place. The lady starts to get some attention from a new male and the former lover decides that either he isn’t good enough to poke her or is simply jealous. What the ex lover doesn’t understand is that any interruption is a red rag to a bull and the new man will try even harder to bone his ex. On top of that, the female former partner will also get aggravated and is more likely to root the other dude out of spite. It’s a no win situation for the ex male partner in this situation.

The cock block amongst friends is extremely uncommon. The usual reason behind a mate cock block is one of the friends having a crush on the woman that the other friend is having a go at. Being males, the likelihood that the friend has expressed to his mates that he is interested in the woman is zero. Most men will just suffer in silence while a few others will attempt the cock block. No man would think to pull his friend aside and admit that he has feelings for the woman. It just never happens.

Another cause for cock blocking amongst friends is simply for a good laugh. Men can be evil bastards and take sick pleasure in screwing a mates chance of getting laid. This form of behaviour is normally a one off thing and is more likely to happen towards the end of the night when both parties are intoxicated and the interruption may be overcome. Sober cock blocking is a totally bullshit move and is in no way, shape or form acceptable.

Which leads Chuck to your situation Dennis.

Your boy is mate cock blocking and seems to be doing so while sober. It’s probably time to tell him to eat rocks and stop hanging out with him or accept the fact that he is in love with you.

Yeah, Chuck can appreciate that that last paragraph may be a little confronting but sometimes Chuck needs to call it as he sees it. Lets look at this from a few angles.

He is cock blocking you on a semi regular basis and with different women involved. He clearly has no love interest in the women you’re working on so the love interest card cannot be played here. It would seem that he’s also doing it while sober so his goal here appears to be to trash any chance you have to get some action. As previously stated, guys will often cock block for a gag with other mates, but not on a regular basis like this.

Chuck suggests you ask him what he’s up to. The confrontation will be completely uncomfortable and it is guaranteed that he’ll deny doing anything. At least by doing this you’ve put it out there and any other instances of it occurring is grounds for punching him directly in the nose.

Jealousy may be a reason for a friend cock block. Your mate sees you out and about each week, working your magic with the ladies and he gets crotchety that he isn’t getting any action. Perhaps he thinks he has more to offer than you and hates the fact that you’re getting a shot and he isn’t. If he can’t get any then you cant either!

The above two points are enough reason to never hang out socially with this guy again or to completely dump him from your friendship circle. After all, who needs friends that impede on your sex life?

This all leads Chuck to the suggestion that perhaps your mate is in love with you (or at least wants to chop you up). Each week he sees you getting it on with the ladies and each week he stands by the bar stewing in his own juices as the man of his dreams slips further from his reach. Finally he has enough and decides that he’ll bust up your evening. In his head this will lead you to think that you just don’t have it with the ladies and that in fact you are more attracted to men. The minute you have this realization he will be there for you! It’s amazing how a lust-addled mind can twist reality.

As interesting and deviant as that sounds, the most likely scenario of them all??

Your mate is a socially inept fuckwit.

Seriously, there are people out there who just don’t know how to act. He sees you working some game on a lovely lady and thinks that he can saunter over and join the conversation, like his presence will ratchet her evening up tenfold. Perhaps this guy has no sense of awareness and doesn’t think that A) you’re looking to score or B) he’s fucking things up. Either way, the next time he asks if you’re heading out for a night on the town it may be best to lie and tell him you’re buried in a good book.

Recalibrating Reality

Ok, so that vast majority of loyal Reality Bytes readers were probably relieved to learn that Mrs Long had finally spat the Long spawn out so that Chuck could get back to the business of saving relationships. The emails have been piling up over the last few weeks and months and Chuck hopes and pray that people have been able to keep it together as he’s been tending to the business of pumping out a child.

However, it would be a dereliction of duty for Chuck not to pass on some key findings to expectant or would-be fathers so that they avoid some of the pitfalls that Chuck and Mrs Long encountered in their child’s first couple of days.  As mentioned many times in this very forum, the making and cooking of the child is the easy part. Getting it out is no easy feat, but keeping it alive requires brains, brawn and determination. Chuck always bristled in the lead up to child birth as people said “I don’t want to tell you how to do it but…..” so Chucks not going to stat dishing out advice. Rather, it may be more effective to make a number of key observations that readers can do with as they please. Forewarned is forearmed:

0, 0, 4, 4, 4. Those figures represent that total number of hours of sleep that Chuck has logged in the 5 days that the Long spawn has been alive. Now Chuck realises that lack of sleep is a fairly obvious by-product of a new born baby, but what Chuck did not consider was the ramifications a lack of sleep has on the human body. As one of the magnificent midwives stated “there’s a reason that sleep deprivation is used as torture”. After 5 days with limited sleep, Chuck was actually contemplating water boarding so as to compare.

In normal everyday life when the alarm goes off, there is always the option of pounding a button to turn it off or at least defer it. In baby land no such option exists, especially when they turn on the “PICK ME UP RIGHT FUCKING NOW SCREAM” that sounds like a goat being slaughtered.

Chuck has had 2 revelations in this area:

1)    On day 1 when the baby generally sleeps all day, avoid sitting around staring at it and telling yourself and your partner how good you are. Chuck and Mrs Long made this mistake, coasting along for over 36 hours on pure adrenalin and no sleep. When the spawn shook off her birthing hangover and decided that it was time to get it on, the Longs were already behind the 8 ball in the sleep stakes. Get some shuteye on day 1!

2)    Sleep when the baby sleeps. It’s easy to think that you’ll do a spot of house keeping, hit the shops or write an awesome blog post when the baby sleeps. Fuck that, get your rest. Waking up after an hours power nap when your body really needs a solid 12 hours isn’t easy but you’ll appreciate it at 4am when your kid has unloaded a mega dump in its nappy.

In light of this sleep deprivation, Chuck will be keeping today’s post brief!

Hospital food is legitimately atrocious. One of the true blessings of private health care in Australia is that partners were able to sleep over at the hospital. 3 times per day, however a tray would be wheeled in and placed in front of Mrs Long. Initially Chuck was perturbed that he’d have to head out for meals each day – until Mrs Long lifted the lid and revealed what was on offer.  Seriously, is it that hard to cook baked beans? If Chuck tried to eat what was offered up his bowels would have locked up and required intravenous Metamucil.

While it is impractical to cater in food for the partner, all husbands should do some hard-core scouting and locate decent eateries so that your not camped in the hotel café or scavenging off your partners slop tray.

Finally, be careful what you listen to at the hospital. Chuck doesn’t mean that you should elbow the obstetrician out of the way mid delivery and take control of proceedings, but once the baby is out take everyone’s advice on board and then do what works for you. Chuck and Mrs Long had 4 midwives who rotated through the shifts. 2 were absolutely sensational and seemed totally dialled in to what they were doing. Unfortunately one was fixated on numbers. “how many poos, how many wees, how many feeds?” and less interested in what was actually going on. This was never more obvious than on day 2 when Mrs Long’s milk had yet to come in. The spawn still needs to gobble up the colostrums (oily substance that precedes the breast milk) and quickly latches onto the boob. What Chuck and Mrs Long didn’t realise was that babies reflexively suckle. On top of this, the Longs weren’t overly knowledgeable on the art of settling.

All of this lead to the baby feeding, then being unsettled and then being put back on the tit (since it was assumed that’s it was still hungry). When Chuck inquired about the length of the feed, the number cruncher stated that it was fine to keep her on the nipple. An interesting side note to this situation is the strength of the babies suck reflex. Chuck tossed his finger into the mouth in an effort to subdue the baby and was stunned at the sheer force behind the suck; it was like having your finger chewed on by Jaws – the metal-mouthed villain from James Bond (picture above). Hopefully this is a skill that rapidly diminishes as Chuck’s little girl gets older!

Anyway after 3 hours Mrs Long was in visible discomfort and absolutely knackered. When the baby was removed, her nipples resembled the chum thrown into the water when hunting great white sharks. They had been eviscerated. Mrs Long knew that she was in trouble when she saw the blood coursing off them. Needless to say the next 2 days were spent expressing milk to give the nipples some time to recuperate.

Fortunately this happened early in the piece and Chuck was able to deftly ignore any and all advice that the number cruncher dispensed for the remainder of the stay in the hospital.  Her attention was easily diverted by keeping Mrs Longs nipples out of sight and by the elaborate pie charts that Chuck had created to show poos, wees and feeds.