The Eagle has Landed

It’s all well and good documenting the ins and outs of a pregnancy each week but at some point every player needs to put his head over the ball and go when it’s his turn to go (to use hard core sporting metaphors). As loyal Reality Bytes readers will know, Chuck not only talks the talk, he walks the walk. So as delivery day drew nearer Chuck was fairly confident that he could run this child birthing process with precision and efficiency. All Chuck and Mrs Long needed was for the time to come. Well that time came on Wednesday night/ Thursday morning. And despite the cool facade, Chuck’s mettle was about to be tested.

Mrs Long had set the ball rolling on Wednesday morning with a text message to Chuck stating that the Long family would be in possession of a spawn by Thursday. Chuck scoffed at Mrs Long’s proclamation and attributed it to her recent transformation in state of mind that culminated in her saying last week “I want this thing out now!” However upon arrival home from his day job as a highly successful businessman Chuck encountered Mrs Long who was somewhat out of sorts with strange period like cramps and instantly knew that all was not well in the state of Denmark.

Being potentially Australia’s greatest husband, Chuck read the situation and did not ask Mrs Long what was for dinner. Instead, Chuck slung on the apron and whipped up a feast. Red lights began to flash again during the meal as Mrs Long was unable to get through Chuck’s gourmet offering. Chuck took no offence and set about cleaning up.

Chuck settled in for an evening of intellectual discussion, reading and documentary viewing. After 20 minutes of that Chuck decided to play a video game. It was in the midst of the video game that Chuck noticed Mrs Long jotting down times. Chuck’s advanced powers of deduction kicked in and determined that perhaps the contractions had commenced. Once again demonstrating husband of the year attributes Chuck grabbed the iPhone and began lap timing contractions.

Mrs Long put a call into the maternity ward who informed her that she should remain at home until her contractions were regularly occurring at 5 minute intervals. Over the course of the past 9 months Chuck has heard every labour horror story; 9 hours, 12 hours even 15 hours. With that knowledge in mind, Chuck settled into complete the video game and manage the timing process. The first contraction kicked in at a decent rate of pain for Mrs Long and Chuck began the arduous task of timing at 10.30pm. The contraction finished and 5 minutes later another commenced. The next break was 6 minutes, then 5.30, then 5, then 5, then 5. This had Chuck a little concerned as the video game was far from finished and at this pace Chuck may never get back to it.

Mrs Long called the hospital again but they seemed nonplussed and suggested a warm bath. Once again Chuck pinned the ‘Man of the Year’ badge on and ran a pleasant tub for his bride. Mrs Long climbed in and seemed instantly invigorated...until the first contraction kicked in and the intensity ratcheted up about 15 notches. Chuck employed the highly advanced back stroking technique that he mastered over the years while Mrs Long writhed in agony. Showing multi tasking ability Chuck continued to man the lap timer. Now in the bath tub contractions were happening every three minutes. After 30 minutes contractions were taking place every 1.5 minutes. It was at this point that Chuck decided to damn the advice of modern medicine, the Long’s were heading to the hospital.

Mrs Long gingerly climbed out of the bath tub and just as Chuck was drying her off, she launched in to another contraction sending her to the ground on all 4’s. At this point there was a gushing sound and Chuck was confronted with the sight of fluid rushing from her happy place. Her waters had broken. Chuck took matters into his own hands and decided to contact the maternity ward. The mere mention of ‘waters’ and ‘breaking’ was enough for them to suggest Mrs Long come in immediately.

Unfortunately, this was easier said than done as Mrs Long’s contractions had jumped to a new level. Chuck grabbed the pre packed bag, assisted Mrs Long into her grannie knickers and adult incontinence pad and made for the door. Mrs Long was struck down by another contraction just as Chuck open the apartment door and the subsequent groan echoed throughout the complex making it sound like Mrs Long was being beaten. Mrs Long was back on her knees crawling towards the door when she mentioned that she felt like pushing. Chuck had thoughts of delivering his spawn in the hallway and after reflecting on how much clean up would be required he powerlifted Mrs Long to her feet and gingerly walked her to the car.

The car proved to be another logistical nightmare as Mrs Long decided that the back seat was the best option but could only get herself halfway in because of the baby capsule. Chuck determined that trying to force the door shut on her legs was not ideal and had to assist in her crawl forward. Mrs Long lay sprawled over the centre consul and Chuck secretly hoped to be pulled over by a police officer so that he could play the pregnancy card and get an escort (despite the 7 minute travel time).

The Longs arrived at the hospital at 2.10am and were ushered to a birthing room. A tall midwife came into the room, instructed Mrs Long to remove her clothes and climb onto the bed. She then pulled on a rubber glove, lubed it up and launched into Mrs Long’s clacker for an internal examination. Obviously many women head for hospital at the first contraction and rather than having people sit around for hours, the assessment determines who can be sent home to wait. Imagine everyone’s surprise when the midwife announced that Mrs Long was 9cm dilated and the baby was well on its way.

Chuck’s first thought was that the highly paid obstetrician wasn’t even going to make it but at 2.30am he strolled in. The midwife was a total superstar, barking instructions, offering encouragement and helping wherever possible. Chuck will admit that it was definitely calming to also have the old doctor there for his expertise.

Mrs Long was given tutorials on pushing techniques and for the next 45 minutes brought the thunder. She tried squeezing it out on the table but getting the head to crown was proving difficult. The midwife suggested the birthing chair which basically looks like an adult potty. Mrs Long held on for dear life and managed to get the head to crown. Once this happened they switched her straight back to the bed*

*Since the birthing chair worked so well so quickly, after the entire process was over Chuck asked the midwife why the whole birth was not completed on it? To this she stated that the chair is good to get the head through the birthing canal, but when gravity is involved the baby can often come too fast resulting in tears from the vagina to the anus. YOUCH!

With Mrs Long back on the bed it was time to push like she had never pushed before. The catch cry was “push into the pain like you’re taking a poo”. If Chuck tried to do that now he’d end up with the worst case of haemorrhoids in medical history! Chuck was standing next to Mrs Long as she battled through this ordeal. At one stage the old doctor called out “Hey Chuck”. Chuck instinctively turned and was greeted with a full view of Mrs Longs nether regions featuring a small head trying to burst out of her vagina. Many men had warned Chuck to avoid looking there during the birth but once you’ve crossed the line you may as well keep going – it was fascinating.

Mrs Long was on the home stretch and during one sequence of contractions had 3 rock solid pushes. Normally she was fatigued after the 3rd but in this instance gave it one more crack and managed to push the head all the way out. This caught the good doctor by surprise who hadn’t managed to get his gloves on in time. Being a seasoned veteran he recovered and then deftly coached Mrs Long through some gentle pushes to get the shoulders out.

Admittedly what slid out resembled a space alien but once the blood started pumping and the colour came in, it was obvious that the Long spawn had received both Chuck and Mrs Long’s good looks. All told the Longs walked into the hospital at 2.10am and had a baby in their arms by 3.36am. Mrs Long wastes no time!

Chuck is often quick to use Mrs Long as the butt of these tales but she submitted a legendary performance that enhanced Chuck’s level of admiration to untold heights. On top of the above performance, she also toughed it out completely drug free – not one ounce of pain killer. Eye of the tiger stuff right there!

So Chuck’s a dad.......

Despair is most often the offspring of ill-preparedness – Don Williams Jr

Aside from the fact that Chuck has no idea who Don Williams Jr is or was, the above quote accurately depicts the situation that Chuck finds himself in. With a baby uncomfortably percolating in Mrs Long’s ample belly, it is now only a matter of time until the responsibility of young life is thrust upon Chuck. With that in mind, thoughts have turned to preparedness.

It was after much research and deliberation that Chuck came up with the above quote. Some others that were considered but didn’t make the cut include:

“When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one is reserve.”

-       Oscar Wilde

That one would have gone down like a lead fart if Mrs Long saw it.

“If you’re not practicing, somebody else is, somewhere, and he’ll be ready to take your job.”

-       Brooks Robinson

Fortunately Mrs Long doesn’t have a backup birth partner (well not someone who could get there within 4 hours)

“If you are not prepared to use force to defend civilization, then be prepared to accept barbarism.”

-       Thomas Sowell

Ok, so perhaps that one doesn’t fit the context.

So with little else to choose from, Chuck snagged Donny W’s words and has been making all sorts of preparations to ensure this childbirth runs as smoothly as possible.

The most pressing area of concern is getting Mrs Long through the childbirthing process. Chuck is fairly confident that the grip strengthening exercises that he has been working on over the last 5 months will hold him in good stead for Mrs Long’s grasp as the contractions take hold. However, after reflecting on the bulging forearms and bear trap like handshake Chuck realised that he may be somewhat underdone in the readiness stakes.

Many men would shrug their shoulders and play their cards where they may fall. Not Chuck. It was time for a crash course in birthing preparation.

After exhaustive research over 15 minutes, Chuck proudly stood in front of a fully packed bag and boasted to Mrs Long that he was well and truly ready for the impending birth of their child. Mrs Long’s expression shifted to one of disbelief as she instructed Chuck to unpack the contents of the bag so that she could ascertain the level of readiness.

Chuck dropped to a knee and confidently pulled out the following items:

1 pair of boardshorts

a clean set of underwear, socks and t-shirt

a crisply ironed shirt

comfortable shoes

a bottle of Gatorade and some muesli bars

Chuck stood up, placed hands on hips and awaited for Mrs Longs plaudits to roll in.

Instead, Chuck was met with stone cold silence and a look of utter disdain.

“Err Chuck, the bag is actually meant for the mother,” Mrs Long finally uttered.

Chuck was confused, “What about me?”

“When you squeeze a 4 kilo mass out of your body I’ll pack you bag, how about that?” Mrs Long retorted.

Chuck hastily stuffed the gear back into the bag and retreated towards the nearest computer in order to perform a little more comprehensive study of child birthing preparation.

Chuck did mention a couple of posts ago that Mrs Long had reached out to a few of her mother-to-be in arms and asked them what they were packing in preparation for their hospital stay. Chuck immediately switched off his head the minute he heard one woman say that she had packed bendy straws so that her partner could suitably assist her in drinking. Sure, undergoing a caesarian section may make leaning forward difficult but Chuck will be fucked if he cruising the shopping aisles looking for straws with varying ranges of motion to aid fluid consumption.

The more and more Chuck searched, the more it became apparent that people go WAY over the top when it comes to preparing for their stay in hospital. Chuck even knows of a colleague’s wife who was busy preparing a Gantt Chart to illustrate the start and finish of her project (pregnancy). That is anal-retentiveness to the power of infinity. Mrs Long wasn’t convinced of course.

Chuck admits that this forum has seen plenty of cheap shots fired in the Long Family’s obstetrician’s direction  - primarily over the cost of each consultation. However, all financial contributions were immediately justified when at the end of a visit Mrs Long asked the good doctor “what should I pack for the hospital?” The old pro leaned back in his chair, smoothed his Ermenegildo Zegna tie and looked Mrs Long squarely in the eye. “Anything you need, you just send this one to get,” he stated while gesturing at Chuck.

Chuck felt somewhat vindicated although immediately had concerns about how he would be able to ‘wet his child’s head’ if he was now on call to Mrs Long and her demand for bendy straws. In order to avoid this, Chuck decided to compromise and put together a bag full of goods that should be able to tide Mrs Long over for at least one night (so Chuck can get on the beers). The following is a list of items that has been recommended to Chuck (with Chucks comments):

Birth Plan – Chuck never really understood the whole concept of having a birth plan. This was confirmed by the good doctor early in the piece when asked about birth plans. “How many children have you had?” he asked.

“None” Chuck and Mrs Long responded.

“Well I’ve delivered thousands, so I’ll tell you how to get it out” came the confident response.

Needless to say, Chuck and Mrs Long didn’t bother with a birth plan.

Watch – the birth partner will need to time the intervals between contractions. If you get bored, it the stopwatch button as quickly as you can and see how low your time is.

Camera – you’ll want to capture the key moments. If you’re cool like Chuck, you’ll also snap off a couple of shots of the baby being squeezed out so that you can put together a PowerPoint presentation that will bring the house down at the child’s 21^st birthday party.

Music – should be something that is somewhat relaxing but Chuck has tossed in a collection of early Metallica in case there is a lull in proceedings and things need to be cranked up.

Water spray – apparently you use the mist to cool you’re partner down. This would last about 1 spray to Mrs Longs face before she threatened to shove the bottle up Chucks arse.

Socks- Hell hath no fury like a women with cold feet.

Dressing gown or button up pajamas – while most women lose all sense of self awareness as they’re desperately trying to get a watermelon out of their clacker, this sense of self awareness dramatically returns the minute the baby is out and they no longer appreciate being stark naked in front of everyone. Clothes that easily allow access to the boobies are a priority.

Toiletries – see above. The minute the baby is out, women will immediately want to smell like roses and look their very best.

Underwear liners and breast pads – since the new mother will likely be leaking from both ends it is imperative that they have preventative measures in place to ease the oozing.

It’s all about common sense and making the process as easy as possible. Chuck is sure that there is a million other things that could be put into a hospital bag but isn’t half the fun making it up as you go?

(Chuck ducks to avoid the flying bag of bendy straws hurled by Mrs Long in a fury!)

Banana Hammock

Hi Chuck,

I’d really like your opinion on a subject that is causing some tension in our household. My fiancé and I are about to head to Fiji for a long overdue holiday. Personally I find my fiancé irresistible and spunky. However, the issue I have is his insistence on packing Speedos rather than board shorts. He doesn’t have a bad body at all, I just think men look stupid walking around in them in public. He on the other hand thinks he looks great and he can get an all over tan.

Please tell me that you share my thoughts and more importantly please give me something I can shove under his nose.

Thank you

Betsy

Hi Betsy,

One politician comes out as a certified budgie smuggler wearer and every bloke decides that it’s the look of the summer? Would it help sway your fiancé if Chuck mentioned that his new idol is about to get blown out of the water in the next election?

Fortunately for you Chuck is not a huge fan of the Speedo, which probably comes as a surprise to all who know Chuck and his chiselled physique. Being a fairly rationale chap however, Chuck did take some time to ruminate on the topic.  Before Chuck goes on any further, its important for full disclosure to take place – Chuck owns 2 sets of Speedos. The first set was purchased with the distinct purpose of bettering Chucks lap swimming time with the second set being procured as a tool to aid beach running while being worn under boardshorts. Let Chuck elaborate.

Lap swimming – Speedos are totally acceptable at the local pool when a male is actively working on his fitness. It’s hard enough work swimming laps let alone with the drag created by a baggy set of board shorts. Plus the tightness around your package gives you something to think about in the absence of an iPod or any other form of entertainment other than a black stripe at the bottom of the pool.

Beach running - short of being shot through your liver with crossbow arrow, there is nothing more painful than ball chafe. The instance of ball chafe increases exponentially the closer you get to the ocean. The fresh sea air may do wonders for your lungs, but the minute you combine it with testicles, male body hair, sweat, sand and salt it becomes a lethal combination that has felled many a great man. Wearing Speedos under board shorts while running on the beach allows the runner to dive into the surf to cool down and then to continue on with the run. If this was attempted sans underwear, the runner would probably manage an additional 50 metres before their nuts were barking in agony and the beach run came to a halt.

So that’s why Chuck owns Speedos.

Chuck isn’t going to lie; it does feel pretty cool to wear them. It’s like a combination of an ironman, pro wrestler and porn star pool cleaner. Unfortunately in most instances (Chuck is excluded from the following analogy), the vast majority of men to do not have the physiques or appendages of the aforementioned examples.

Speedos are doable if they are being used in the pursuit of athletic excellence (or if you a porn star pool cleaner). If your fiancé is planning on swimming 3 kms and running on the beach for 2 hours then you can probably let him slide. If he is planning on lying on a poolside reclining chair and sipping pina coladas then he is committing a fashion foul.

Chuck thinks his disdain for Speedos is closely aligned to his feelings about spandex at the gym. Tight fitting gear that blatantly showcases your pickle is just not acceptable social attire. Simple as that. You know your clothing is too tight when those around you know that you’re circumcised without A) ever sleeping with you or B) probing you over your Jewish faith. The exposed pocket rocket is too much, especially when you’re on holiday and people are trying to relax. No one wants to be half way through “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest” only to be distracted by a 2 inch pecker emerging out of the resort swimming pool.

Too often the dudes who decide to wear the sluggos have terrible bodies that have no business being poolside let alone scantily clad. A big old hairy arse, a fat gut, and a forest of chest hair is not what you sign up for when you book a holiday to Fiji. That same look squeezed into skin tight material is enough to make you vomit up your nasi goreng in your mouth.  To make matters worse, it is often these bodies who decide to slather themselves in oil and lay out in the sun all day slowly broiling. The next thing you know, you’re sitting down with your lover at the resort hotel about to have a romantic meal when the freshly bronzed grizzly bear wanders in. Now all of a sudden all you think about is his rotten body and shrivelled pickle. A great way to spoil your meal.

Chuck is assuming that your man doesn’t have the same sort of body described above because most normal women would rather cancel the trip than put up with that bullshit from their partner. It may be an ego shatterer for him to be shut down if he thinks he has a moderate to good body. He’s probably thinking that it’s a great opportunity to showcase his package. If he is hung like the majority of the male population you can emphasise that the Speedos and time spent swimming and boozing will serve to downgrade his weiner size dramatically. That information alone will likely serve to get him to ditch the idea ASAP. If he is hung like a Shetland pony….. well Chuck doesn’t really blame him, Chuck’d be showcasing it too!

While writing this post, Chuck has been trying to recall the instance that he was put off of Speedos. With many things that people have an aversion to, there is often one key moment that is the turning point. It finally hit Chuck.

A number of years ago, Chuck was working out at a local gym with one of his protégés. The facility also had a 50 metre swimming pool attached to it. Halfway through the session, an older gentleman sauntered in and began a series of rudimentary weight bearing exercises. Chuck didn’t think too much of it until this chap’s outfit was scrutinised a little closer. He was wearing sneakers and an oversized t-shirt. Chuck couldn’t see any shorts.

Chuck finished squatting 300 kilos and while rehydrating looked up to see the old timer on the pec deck. On this apparatus, the user sits with legs bent at 90 degrees and uses the arms to pull the weight into the centre, thus working the chest. The short situation was revealed. The old guy wasn’t wearing any. Instead he had wet Speedos on and the t-shirt had crept up. Other than not using a towel to prevent nut butter from leaching all over the equipment, the thing that was burned into Chuck’s retinas was his koala ears. For those of you unawares, Koala ears are great tufts of grey pubic hair sticking out each side of his Speedos.

So forgive Chuck if his view on Speedos is a little negative, but no man deserves to see that.

Probing for more information

With the impending birth of a first child, Chuck has been vacillating over a couple of potential career paths. On one hand, Chuck was thinking about following his heart and chasing his interest in vaginas to become an obstetrician. On the other hand, the years of study and the annoying owners of the vaginas had Chuck thinking about creating a series of birthing videos that were a little on the racier side and featured significantly better looking (and well trimmed women). It’s rare that Chuck suffers from an inability to make a decision, but both career choices have their pro’s and con’s and quite frankly Chuck was stuck.

Stuck until last week.

What was the factor that tipped Chuck in a particular direction you ask?

Being in the same room while Mrs Long received an internal examination from her obstetrician in the lead up to childbirth.

This act in itself was enough to steer Chuck well and truly away from any job that involves vaginas and internal examinations (ok, Chuck’ll leave the door slightly ajar if the porn industry ever comes knocking). It’s strange but despite Mrs Long always feeling uncomfortable and nervous when it comes to her regular check ups, Chuck could never really empathize with her, assuming that it was ‘just another check up’. All that has now changed.

For the ladies who’ve had to endure all this before, let Chuck offer a male’s perspective.

Despite the obstetrician being a homely old man (and really well paid), its still another man looking up your wife’s clacker, which can be somewhat uncomfortable. To make matters worse, his checkup room is fucking tiny, especially with 3 people crammed into it. Chuck was jammed under the coat rack in the far corner (which gave Chuck the opportunity to peruse the brand of suit that the obstetrician was wearing – Zegna, good taste!).

There are always times in your life when you just know that you’re out of your league. You know what Chuck means, you get pulled into a meeting at work where you’re unfamiliar with the subject matter or the quality of grey matter in the room is simply higher than yours and you struggle to process what’s going on around you. In those instances your body hair stands on end and you get coated in that all over sheen of sweat that makes you feel like you’re swimming in your clothes.

This is how Chuck was feeling.

Words like ‘mucous plug’ and ‘cervix ripening’ had Chuck kicking himself that he hadn’t read the 16-19 pregnancy books that Mrs Long had devoured. This self angst was soon forgotten however when the good doctor reached for the 12 inch ear cleaners. Chuck recalled that Mrs Long has some of the best ear hygiene around so surely he wasn’t going to give her auditory canals a good clean out as part of the check up.

Mrs Long sensed what was coming and tensed up.  Chuck asked what the doctor was testing for and he responded, “strep C”. Once again, Chuck started to compute how a sore throat could affect a newborn until that train of thought was shattered by the doctor rearranging Mrs Long’s legs and moving in for the kill. Chuck was suddenly uncomfortable for his dear wife and instantly regretted every pap smear gag that had previously brought the house down in Chuck’s mind.

The Doctor was in and out in a matter of seconds, which was a relief for both involved parties and Chuck.

But it wasn’t over yet. The doctor slipped on a blue rubber glove like they wear in Masterchef and applied a healthy dose of a water-based lubricant. He was about to take the plunge. Mrs Long reapplied her steely gaze.

Yet again during this whole birthing process, another of Chuck’s preconceived notions was about to be deconstructed. The purpose of this digital insertion was to evaluate Mrs Long’s cervix and whether or not it was showing signs of childbirth commencing (the aforementioned ripening of the cervix).  Of course, since he was evaluating the cervix, Chuck assumed the doctor would’ve had his face buried as deeply as he could in order to get a good view of the internal workings. Much to Chuck’s surprise, the old obstetrician didn’t look once, merely using touch and his many years of experience to determine just how far along Mrs Long was in the whole process.

That shouldn’t come as a surprise, but to the vast majority of men, internal inspection means just that- having a good old look at the area in discussion. Why do you think the vast majority of men get all-squeamish at the thought of internal examinations? Sure, having a finger up your date is bad, but having a doctor staring at your hairy ring is worse!

Anyway, after the examination we all retired to the doctor’s office for cigarettes and small talk. Since Chuck and Mrs Long are handing over a crisp $100 every time we see this guy, (weekly at the moment) it’s important to at least stretch out the appointment as long as possible in order to get you’re money’s worth (some weeks it’s lasted a whole ten minutes). On this occasion Mrs Long inquired as to what she should bring to the hospital. Being a meticulous operator, Mrs Long had performed exhaustive research and polled numerous people on the appropriate amount of stuff to carry in. Chuck’s favourite piece of advice was to bring ‘bendy straws’ so that Mrs Long wouldn’t have to bend over so much if she wanted to have a drink. That one took the fucking cake for over thinking the entire process.

The good doctor thought about Mrs Long’s questions and replied that she should bring the bare minimum since she could send Chuck back and forth home as the need arose. Chuck Long, the pregnancy Sherpa. 

Although the whole procedure felt like it lasted for 7 hours, the entire experience was over in probably 2 minutes. Nonetheless Chuck has established a new family rule that no mockery will occur when internal examinations are on the cards. Chuck is fairly confident that he can abide by this rule but has his doubts about Mrs Long, especially in approximately 10 years time when Chuck’s prostrate becomes fair game!

She’s got the Look

Hi Chuck,

My boyfriend never notices things like a new haircut or dress. I make a real effort to look my best and I must say, it’s a little deflating when it goes without any form of recognition or reaction.

Why is it that guys have no clue when it comes to these sorts of things?

Sue Ellen

Dear Sue Ellen,

Let Chuck tell you the very best way to get your boyfriend to react to your new looks. Before you head off to get a haircut or to buy a fresh frock, ask him for 200 bucks. Then when you walk in the door and he asks what you needed the money for, simply point to your head or pirouette. It will take approximately 2 seconds for the sight to make its way to his brain, but when it does, you’ll absolutely get a reaction most typically in the form of him exploding out of his chair and stomping around the house.

There are a couple of reasons that a bloke doesn’t notice things that the average woman picks up in a few seconds. Firstly, men are generally uninterested in things like women’s fashion.  For the most part, if an outfit shows a little bit of boob and is accompanied by nice underwear the average man will be content. Things like shoes and accessories are not what guys are on the lookout for and surely you’d be a little concerned if you walked into the room with a brand new Fendi Selleria handbag and he sprinted over to you snatched it out of your hands and pawed it admiringly?

Granted sometimes the things that a man can miss can be utterly amazing.  It took Chuck months to notice Mrs Long was pregnant for example.  It does say a lot about a man and your relationship if he is missing the changes you make. For example, if you are normally a brunette and come home as a platinum blonde and he still doesn’t notice, you need to check whether he is conscious. Guys who miss obvious stuff like that are either mentally retarded or just don’t care.

If you’re dating a mentally retarded man then you have made your bed and must lie in it. If he just doesn’t care then you’re in big trouble and should probably boot him to the curb or you’ll spend the remainder of your time together going unnoticed and feeling shitty about it. 

Another reason why guys will often miss new purchases or things like haircuts is because women often have a knack for changing without changing. Brace yourself for a Chuck Long deep thought here. Many women live in a comfort bubble when it comes to their look and style. You may go and buy a new dress, but it’ll look strikingly similar in style to much of your current wardrobe. Hair is the same, you’ll talk and talk about radically altering your hairdo (which for a bloke would involve a buzz cut) then come home with your hair one shade darker than it was originally. You and your pals may rave about your new look, but for a dude, one deviation to the left or right of normal isn’t enough to elicit a reaction.

It’s very easy to test Chuck’s theory – change it up! Instead of that one deviation to the left or right, take ten. Then watch your man stand up and take notice. If you typically dress conservatively, get yourself a frock with a plunging neckline and that’s short enough to reveal what you had for breakfast. You can be sure that your husband will notice the new you (especially if he is a member of the Taliban in which case his reaction may be to chop your head off). If you already dress like this, take a night off from the strip club and dress like a librarian. Chuck is positive your pimp boyfriend will notice a change in scenery.

Hair is always the one that Chuck finds amusing. Women will fork over large wads of cash to their ‘stylist’ who cuts and colours their hair in exactly the same way for years at a time. You can’t expect a bloke to instantly notice when you’ve had your hair freshened by a hairdresser when it probably looks exactly the same after you’ve washed and dried it yourself. If you want your man to notice your head, either change up your looks on a semi regular basis or really let it get feral before each hair cut.

You do need to cut your bloke some slack if you are the type of person who gets your hair cut weekly or sport a new outfit every other day. If this is you you’ve morphed into someone who’s regular look is ‘new’. When your regular look is new, he’ll never know when something newer has been added. Your new look has become your common look. The only way he’ll pick up on changes is if you have a shared bank account and he notices the massive drain on your finances every week. That’s a bad kind of noticing since he’ll likely cut you off.

Look, its simple, if you want your boyfriend to notice, you need to change it up drastically enough for it to register on his radar. If you do change it up radically and he doesn’t notice then you probably need to question your choice in boyfriend since he obviously doesn’t care as much about how you look, as you want him to. 

Destined to a life of Solitude

It’s always disheartening to Chuck when he sees a dude floundering whilst trying to chat up a woman. Chuck has delivered countless tips over the time that Reality Bytes has been operational but it would seem the blog just doesn’t have the reach to assist all men and there are brothers out there going down in flames simply because they don’t have the fundamentals. Unless you have a head like a cat licking shit off a thistle, it shouldn’t be that hard to gain a lady’s attention and at least give yourself a chance. This post isn’t going to be a rehash of Chuck’s pick-up line gold - that would be too simple. Instead, let Chuck recount the scene he witnessed yesterday and provide some commentary and sage-like advice that could have saved the situation.

You may be asking, “If Chuck was close enough to see it, why didn’t Chuck intervene?” Great questions. 1) Do you know how much of an ego destroyer it would be to have a handsome bloke like Chuck sidle over to a dude and tell him that he has no game and then provide tips about how he should get after it? 2) The guy was displaying A1 cock stroker tendencies.

The setting:

Since Mrs Long is heavily pregnant and has not touched alcohol for the duration of her pregnancy, Chuck often drags her to the pub so she can sit around and watch everyone enjoy a drink. Well, that is not entirely true, in fact at a reasonably local pub they actually sell a non alcoholic beer that tastes remarkably like really weak mid strength beer (it’s more like beer flavoured water). Anyway, Mrs Long feels a bit more normal pretending that she is drinking a real beer and Chuck delights in watching people as they spy a heavily pregnant woman nursing what looks like a beer.

At this particular establishment, there was a young barmaid with strategically elevated breasts. They weren’t juggernauts, but with an extra button undone and some sensible bra work, she was doing a very good job of jacking them up. The young lady was moderately attractive and poured a really good beer. Moderately attractive + jacked up boobs + good at drawing a beer = extremely attractive to blokes sitting at the bar watching football.

Chuck and Mrs Long were seated at the bar, in close proximity to two young gentlemen who were there obviously to watch the football. Their conversation was fairly basic (where are we drinking tonight) as they knocked off beers and bar food. Chuck was quick to indicate to Mrs Long that all signs pointed to one or both of these lads having a dip at the buxom barmaid. Mrs Long immediately sized them both up shook her head and said “no chance”. Chuck was quick to quiz his astute wife as to her reasoning.

“Well for one, he’s wearing plaid shorts, bad shoes, a collared team polo shirt that’s too tight and a running hat”

“So you don’t find him attractive?’ Chuck joked.

“No and on top of that, he’s outwardly cheering on a footy team like he is the coach, he reeks of desperation.”

“Oh and he has a monobrow,” she added for good measure.

So to recap, there was a dude who had no fashion sense, overcheering for his team and cursed with bad facial hair. You can guess which of the two guys decided to have a crack at the blonde behind the bar cant you?

Anyway, when this guy wasn’t nervously pacing the bar floor watching his team, he was valiantly trying to chat up the chick. His mate was impassive to the whole show indicating that he was either gay or had lost a bet to his buddy and wasn’t allowed to engage (or help).

A couple of threads of conversation that Chuck and Mrs Long and the barmaid were subjected to.

Do you like beer? Wow, a girl who likes beer. That’s handy for someone who works in a bar. Your dad must be happy to have raised a daughter who doesn’t mind a beer. What’s your favourite beer?

Now, asking the girl if she likes a particular beer isn’t such a bad way to start a conversation since she works in a bar that had a substantial number of beers on offer. Once she indicated that she liked a certain beer then he could have moved on to ask her what her favourite beer is. Once she answered that he could have made some semi intelligent conversation around that topic. There was potential for a shared interest here (albeit beer which is fairly thin when trying to pick up a sober woman who happens to be working – Chuck’s trying to find a few positives here!).

Unfortunately this squeezer decided to demonstrate his lack of social skills by stating the obvious “that’s handy for someone who works in a bar” and then evoking her father during his attempt to pick her up. The mention of the father automatically kills any headway he may have been making, although Mrs Long was quick to suggest that he was not making any headway.

The barmaid took every opportunity to leave this pair in order to serve other patrons (this may be the key to exceptional service – plant a knob jockey across the bar with strict instructions to drop cheesy pick up lines throughout the night with the express purpose of driving up her attention to other guests who just want a drink).

Inevitably she would be summoned back as they needed a refresh on their drink and she would be subjected to another round of weak game. The following was Chuck’s highlight:

Dude: “Do you work here full-time”

Barmaind: No

Dude: “Are you a uni student”

Chuck in his mind: “Sleuth”

Barmaid: “Yes”

Dude: “What are you studying”

Barmaid “Journalism, I only have half a year to go!”

Chuck in his mind: Your customer service is too good young lady or perhaps you haven’t grasped what this guy is up to in which case you’ll easily snap up a job as a reporter on Today Tonight.

Dude: “So what do you plan on doing”

Barmaid: “hopefully get a job at a newspaper”

Dude: “You don’t want to get a job on tv?”

Barmaid: “it’s difficult to get into television”

This conversation was getting very tedious and Mrs Long who happens to be a journalist was bristling with contempt for this guy by this stage. Fortunately captain fantastic was merely seconds from imploding
Dude: “You don’t need to be a journalist to be on TV, you only have to be good looking to be a newsreader”.

Now Chuck understands that somewhere in there the guy may have actually been trying to suggest that the girl was good looking enough to be on television (her boobs were definitely perky enough). Unfortunately he totally discredited her choice of study and career in one short sentence and more importantly came within inches of Mrs Long smashing a non-alcoholic beer over his face.

The guy was actually doing reasonably well for himself while asking after her study and her career goals. As Chuck has stated many times, the minute you can get a prospective target chatting about themselves, your chances go up. People always feel good talking about themselves! She was obviously keen to dispel notions that she was a full time barmaid and that she had aspirations for bigger and better things. If he could have kept her going along those lines he probably still wouldn’t have gotten in there but at least she would have thought he was half decent (which in the grand scheme of things counts for naught). Instead he went for what he thought was a homerun and fell completely on his face (and nearly got mauled by a pregnant woman).

The final nail in the coffin was when he stood up to watch the remainder of the football game, which was going down to the wire. As his team managed to surrender the lead, and then claw back into the contest he became more and more agitated. With each possession he began to yelp and fidget. To compound the spectacle he also started to raise his hands to his head, which served the purpose of revealing his hairy belly. When the siren sounded and his team lost, he looked physically distraught and went back to his beer to lament the loss, unable to even speak to his buddy or to the barmaid (much to her and Mrs Long’s delight).

It was a frustrating spectacle simply because it shouldn’t be that tough. Chuck has always believed that there was someone out there for everyone, but the bar scene suggested that perhaps some people are just destined to be alone.  The girl was willing to stand and talk to the guy, yet he was unable to take that level of interest and parlay it into something more because he just couldn’t converse. Chuck finished his drink being sure to slip the dude a Reality Bytes card with the hotline number. Mrs Long also took the opportunity to slip him the card of her beautician while subtly pointing to his eyebrows!

Delaying the Inevitable

G’day Chuck,

I’ve got a quick one I hope you can help me with, my girlfriend arrives back in the country in the next couple of days after a year away. How should I go about reigniting the passion – its been a long time after all?

Quincy

Quincy,

There is nothing like the last minute cry for help from a young man saddled with a chronic case of the blue balls.  Fortunately for you, Chuck is not only a master of practical advice but also an artiste when it comes to the finer points of seduction. After a year, it’s going to be hard not to hump her on her baggage trolley as she walks through the customs exit at the airport. While this isn’t the most romantic way to greet a long lost lover, it may also be deemed offensive to other waiting terminal visitors. On top of that, it would just be your luck that  “Border Security’” was being filmed on that date and you end up on national television nut deep on top of a suitcase.

Before Chuck tackles the inevitable, there are some absolutely critical tips that Chuck can provide you that will ensure the inevitable actually takes place. To the vast majority of female readers, these tips may appear to be so rudimentary that you’ll think Chuck is mentally stunted, but you need to remember the target audience here. Man + girlfriend away for a year = sexually addled mind.

Ok, so Chuck is going to break these tips out with a little bit of reasoning for each. Make sure you implement at least 95% of them. 

• Clean the house (See Chuck said it was going to be fairly basic). Chuck’s not talking about a cursory 30 minute ‘man clean’. Instead of doing what all blokes do, which is wipe down the kitchen counter with a 3 month old stankified sponge, actually break out some chemical cleaner and a new cloth and lift the toaster, kettle and sandwich press and wipe underneath. This also applies to vacuuming. Chuck advises that you actually move furniture and suck up the year old dust that has been coating the underneath of your bed. Still on cleaning, it is important to give the bathroom a thorough once over. Yes, the crapper doubled as your library for the past 365 days, but as of right now you need to remove your magazines and newspapers and perhaps contemplate splashing some bleach around the toilet bowl. No woman enjoys a filthy toilet, especially one who hasn’t seen you for 12 months and will likely want to freshen up before mauling you. Spend the time, it’ll be worth your while. If you live with other people, encourage them to perhaps find alternative lodging for the evening. Believe Chuck, they’ve put up with the sound of you running it through your knuckles for the last year, they’ll gladly give you some space so that you can unholster your weapon. If you live on your own, do your absolute damndest to keep her family away from your place. The savviest way to do this is to prearrange a barbeque for a couple of days later. Hopefully they’ll get the hint that you need to pound their daughter until your semen is coming out like puffs of dust. 
• Hopefully you haven’t completely let yourself go in the time your lady was away. Its probably too late now to hit the gym and lose the additional 5kgs you put on if you did. In any case, make sure you show up at the airport in a semi respectable fashion. Tracksuit pants and thongs do not scream “I’m so happy to see you”. If you have put on some beef, wear loose fitting clothing preferably in black. And when the time comes to drop the meat hammer, keep the lights off so that she isn’t repulsed. 
• While Chuck’s on airports, it is important that you actually park the car and go into the terminal. Your girl isn’t just getting back from a day trip for business so you CANNOT instruct her to fire you a text when she lands and meet her on the median strip where you do a rolling stop as she throws her bags in and you speed off all in a total of 10 seconds. Get online, check the flight times and be there waiting (this is also beneficial if she gets busted smuggling contraband into the country as you are on hand to bail her out). 
• They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Let Chuck tell you that the quickest way to your nuts exploding through inactivity is to not have prepared some form of food for your arrival home. Looking at her the minute she walks through the door (after she has finished admiring your house keeping mind you) and asking either “what’s for dinner” or “what do you want for dinner” is a sure fire cock blocker. Chuck understands that you’ll be desperate to get into her knickers ASAP and doesn’t expect you to whip up a meal beforehand, so what you need to do is have a food plan. Have a meal that you can knock up post coitus. Keep it simple as you’ll probably want to bust it out real quick so you can get back in the sack.
• Having a plan makes it look like you have put some time and thought into the return. By not pre cooking a dish, you also avoid having wastage as there is a chance she’ll be so taken by your penis that she wont want to eat that night (or she recently had a delicious airline meal).
• Chuck would strongly advise you to change your bed sheets too. There is a possibility that you have been on a 60-day sheet cycle while living as a bachelor. Firstly, that is fucking disgusting. Secondly, clean sheets are nice and nothing is better than sleeping in your own fresh bed. Once again, it looks like you’ve made an effort.
• If you want to push yourself into uber boyfriend status (its rarefied air up here, let Chuck tell you), a fresh bunch of flowers on the table is a true winner. It doesn’t have to be a grand arrangement, just a token of your appreciation for having her back in your life. All women love having flowers bought for them. If she happens to be a hippy and revolts at commercially grown flowers, go and pick some wildflowers.

All of the above steps are fundamental in ensuring that you get your end away and lets face it, that’s the real reason you’ve written in Quincy. Look, it’s inevitable that you’ll be putting one and likely more away since you haven’t seen her for a year. By taking some of the above steps, you just grease the slide a little more. Instead of walking into your place and being hit by a stark reminder of what a slob you were / are (she’ll have slowly forgotten this over the past year), she only has to think how awesome you are.

Getting back on point, it is very likely that your first sexual experience in over a year is going to be over very quickly. Chuck recommends that you don’t hide from it and in fact talk it up a little bit. Get the first one out of the way and then get down to business. Make the first one the best 3 minutes of her last year and promise that you can stretch the next one to at least 6. 

The only two ways you can fuck it up are if you 1) unload before she undresses, 2) get chronic performance anxiety. Both may very well have her wishing she could get back on the plane. If you’re prone to getting a little excited you may need to have a stabilising wank an hour or so before she touches down in order to take the edge of it. If Mr Wang Chung decides to hibernate at the critical moment then you’re really in trouble – there just isn’t any way to talk your way out of the inevitable “aren’t you happy to see me?” The response “I’m really tired” isn’t going to get yourself out of it.

You could try the old,  “I couldn’t wait to see you and had a toss before you landed” chestnut. If she buys that, you’ve got about an hour. Get cracking on the dinner you planned and hope like hell that the blood starts to flow sooner rather than later because otherwise you’ll soon be a bachelor again!