Call me Nubby

Chuck,

Not really a dating question, but I have just started playing senior sport (I wont tell you the sport) and as part of it, you have to shower after the game. I’m pretty nervous about showering with a bunch of blokes – the stalls are wide open.

What should I do?

KP

Dear KP,

Rest assured young soldier, you’re going through something that every man who’s played competitive team sport has been through (except softball since those blokes don’t shower). About the only way to feel totally comfortable the first time that you strip off is to ensure that you have an absolutely mammoth cock. Unfortunately, they aren’t always the easiest things to come by and more often than not, when they do appear on Ebay, the bidding increases at a rapid rate of knots.

Look, Chuck can confidently say that every bloke gets a bit squeamish the first time he has to take his togs off. We are just not conditioned to get about in front of other dudes with our wangers out. You are going to feel uncomfortable and the situation is going to play out like this:

You will get in the sheds after the game with the boys. In all likelihood, a few beers will get passed around and the fellas will shoot the shit about the game. You will sit, nursing your beer stressing beyond belief. If you’re only young and not a big drinker you may get loose, drop your towel early and be the victim of a ‘thonging’ (when someone smacks a shower shoe across your bare backside). Eventually a few blokes will start to get unchanged and start considering a shower. You will pretend to be tending to your gear or desperately looking to make small talk. Since you are new to the team, you will be treated like a mushroom (kept in the dark and fed bullshit) meaning that not many people will be looking to hang out with you immediately until you’ve earned your stripes. You may also play on a team where the boys enjoy sitting around sipping on a cold one while stark naked. That can be somewhat confronting and you’ll probably go home and cut yourself emo style if you accidentally look at one of their dicks. Relax, it happens and it doesn’t make you homosexual.

More and more guys will drift towards the shower until eventually it’s just you left. Now you’ll more than likely play it just like Chuck did his first time which was to pfaff about until everyone had left, rip off the uniform as quickly as humanly possible, wrap the towel around, shimmy off the underwear and sprint faster than Usain Bolt for the shower. Chuck turned the taps on, pulled the towel off, jumped in (despite the fact the water was ice cold), wet the hair and got straight out.  Rewrapped the towel without actually drying any other part of the body, sprinted back to the gear bag and put clothes back on while sopping wet. The whole process lasted no more than 45 seconds.

There is a strong chance you’ll play it like that your first few times. It’s a major pain in the arse but it gets the job done. The only real problem you’ll have is if there are leisurely showerers on your team who are in no real hurry and will force you to bathe in the presence of other men. There is no getting around it and you can’t wait them out or you’ll be there all night. The other problem is that if you play Chuck’s routine, you will look like a total freak of nature and the lads will mock you mercilessly.

The best thing you can do is act like you have done it before. If you can’t control your anxiety, the first thing that will happen is that your knob will shrink making the situation worse. Take a few subtle deep breaths, get unchanged and head to the showers. Chuck can guarantee the vast majority of blokes will be too busy worrying about their performance on the day or drinking beer to check you out while you’re washing yourself. Take a normal shower and where possible try to engage in some form of conversation with the other lads. It is absolutely critical that you remain conscious of different sensations on your body – a favourite trick for new comers is the old ‘piss on the rookie’s leg in the shower’ trick. You don’t want to be a victim.

At the end of the day you need to keep in mind a few key points:

• Every bloke has been through this anxiety.

No man has ever played team sport and showered without feeling like the entire squad is waiting to grade out his tackle.

• If you have a monster shaft, stop being an ungrateful prick (pun intended) and get the bastard out.

Chuck can state hand on heart that if you’re hung like a Shetland pony the boys are more likely to notice and comment. They will be impressed.

• The vast majority of guys are of average length.

Unless you somehow ended up on the West Indian cricket team (poor poor Brendan Nash (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brendan_Nash - do you reckon they refer to him as Nubby?) you are more than likely to be naked with dudes who are of average length in the crank department. Now you’re always going to end up with outliers, but what you’ll find is that very few, if any people will say a word about the lads with tiny dicks. Empathy prevents it.

• It’s a team sport, you will be mocked at some point.

Look, you are playing competitive sport. The strong survive and it’s in men’s DNA to mock and belittle our competition. At some stage in your sporting life, you will be mocked. The key is to do enough dumb shit that they mock you for that rather than your knob size which can be psychologically damaging.

• No guy is looking at your dick.

Its hard to believe because you’ve probably had a gander at the boys as they are hitting the showers in order to check out what you’re up against, but that’s exactly it, they have a cursory glance and that will be that (unless of course you have 15 inches of fury in which case they may want to get you up on the shoulders and celebrate having a god amongst them).

• After running around playing sport, most guy’s penises will be shrunken anyway, so the average length in the room will be suppressed.

That’s bad news for you if you already have a small todger. In this instance, Chuck would encourage you to linger, have a beer and let a little blood flow back into your nether regions. You want to go to war fully armed after all.

• If you’re hung like an infant, find someone else who is too or trim your bush to make it look bigger.

You need to be smart in this dog eat dog world. If you know that you’re only packing minimal heat, then quickly find someone of similar length and girth and be their shadow. It’s easier to take ridicule when you have a soul mate to absorb it as well.

If you have a micro penis, you can ease the pain by mocking yourself. Believe it or not, by self-ridiculing you’ll prevent other people from firing salvos at you. Get on the front foot and give yourself a cool nickname like ‘Pinky’ or ‘ Pokey’ or ‘John Holmes’. People will have a laugh and move on….or start referring to you by those nicknames in public.

The other trick is to find a sneaky inch by trimming your pubes back. So much wasted length is robbed by an unruly mop of hair down there. Take charge and reclaim what is rightfully yours.

Take it from Chuck, it’s not gay to shower with other dudes (unless you’re in a San Francisco bath house) and you just need to get your head around the ins and outs of the process. After a few times (unless you’re pack raped), you’ll get comfortable and things will be absolutely fine. And one last thing, whatever you do, do not pop a boner. It will be tough to explain that one in a room full of dudes.