RSVPissweak

Dear Chuck Long,

I've recently plunged headlong into the world of internet dating and fear I might be attracting the wrong kind of guy. Not a fun kind of bad guy, more of a limp-looking man who has all the appeal of a day-old curried egg sandwich.I had one particular suitor write a poem about me living in Middle Earth (which had clearly taken hours to prepare) and another who wrote that he loves warm cuddles. Am I wrong? Are these guys worth a shot? Or do I need to change my strategy to bag myself a man with more testosterone than a 12-year-old girl? I have attached the correspondence received from mystery suitor (The Middle Earth Poet) in the hope that you could analyse it and help me out.

Yours,

Bad Man Magnet

Apologies for my late response, I was pondering around my parents holiday home up at ... as I attempted to write some music. Some music has indeed been written, but I must do some more tonight...

Anyway enough about me, you appear to be a foreign correspondent: a journalist with marathon abilities should be well suited for climates like Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. Actually have you seen Amir Naderi's acclaimed 1986 film 'The Runner'. Its a beautifully shot film depicting a poor Iranian boy in the midst of the Iraq invasion. I haven't actually seen this film, however with a knowledge of the synopsis and a few powerful images that I've witnessed, I have decided fuse this with my idealised concept of you in poem format

Actually, I don't really want this poem to take place in Iran considering the civil turmoil that's happening over there. So instead I have constructed the setting to take place in Middle Earth, where there is an uprising for reform changes in Hobitville. This way we don't offend any one except maybe some hobbits

O.k, it goes something like this

Running through the Paddocks of old McGreegy

Stops an old scarecrow,

Marked with a dissident crowd,

Of small folk, once calm and cheerful

Are now an epitome of rage and confliction

The Frodo Baggins Ring Religion

Is repressing the people.........

Sorry that poem was more about the hobbits. Look its getting late and I should be doing my music so maybe a poem another time?

Alright then, don't run on any land mines, and whatever you do, don't feed the mimes!

Oh Lord!

Picture Chuck Long sitting in front of his computer shaking his head....

Ok, we can take this two ways Bad Man Magnet,

1. this is your fault.

Chuck Long can feel your skin burning at this, but it has to be said. There is a distinct possibly that you have set your profile up to attract the very man you want to avoid.

If your profile reads:

Interests

Favourite Author: J R R Tolkien

Favourite Book: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Religious Beliefs: Seax Wica

Favourite Movie : Starship Troopers (Special Edition)

Favourite Band : Ace of Base

What im looking for in a man: no trace of testosterone, sensitive, in touch with his artistic self, a flaccid penis

Then Im afraid that you are completely to blame and you have gotten what you deserve

2. Some blokes have no fucking clue

Seriously, it cannot be this hard.

Look we all know the reputation that men have – insensitive, unemotional, uninterested, but on the bell curve of life, the majority of blokes sit mid range. Thats why Chuck Long vomits in his own mouth when he sees blokes trying way too hard to fit in the 95^th percentile. No real man is anything like the bloke who wrote that email. It is not humanly possible to be that wanky naturally.

That guy has actively decided that he is going to be the most sensitive, artistic, free spirited male that God put on his earth. In the process, he has managed to get himself on a public forum looking like an A1 S.T Roker.

Desperate men... take note of the following sage like advice from your ole pal Chuck Long:

Women generally like blokes to display male-like traits. A measure of confidence, a few emotional walls that need chipping away at, a dash of humour, a bit of strength, some conviction, a handful of testosterone and a splash of valour.

Stop trying to be something that we're not genetically pre-disposed to be!

So, bad man magnet, to answer your question NO THESE GUYS ARE NOT WORTH IT!

Before we're done, Chuck Long has to break this correspondence down to extract full comedic value

Apologies for my late response, I was pondering around my parents holiday home up at ... as I attempted to write some music. Some music has indeed been written, but I must do some more tonight...

Chuck Long envisions this chap wearing a fez with an unlit pipe hanging out of his mouth wandering around his folks holiday home garden while his parents sit inside plotting ways to get him out of their will.

Definite attempt here to suggest that he is creative, thoughtful yet with a cluttered mind (apologies for the late response – yeah, like you have any thing else on) with a hint of family wealth tossed in - his parents holiday house. Somewhat pretentious

Anyway enough about me, you appear to be a foreign correspondent: a journalist with marathon abilities should be well suited for climates like Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. Actually have you seen Amir Naderi's acclaimed 1986 film 'The Runner'. Its a beautifully shot film depicting a poor Iranian boy in the midst of the Iraq invasion. I haven't actually seen this film, however with a knowledge of the synopsis and a few powerful images that I've witnessed, I have decided fuse this with my idealised concept of you in poem format

Ok, so this is where this email slides into the pits of despair. Asking someone if they have seen a film that they havent seen themself is just plain fucking stupid. Chuck Long wants to go and self harm for all men.

Actually, I don't really want this poem to take place in Iran considering the civil turmoil that's happening over there. So instead I have constructed the setting to take place in Middle Earth, where there is an uprising for reform changes in Hobitville. This way we don't offend any one except maybe some hobbits

The next stop on this train line is Dorksville

Running through the Paddocks of old McGreegy

Stops an old scarecrow,

Marked with a dissident crowd,

Of small folk, once calm and cheerful

Are now an epitome of rage and confliction

The Frodo Baggins Ring Religion

Is repressing the people.........

Shakespeare Thou Art Not

Sorry that poem was more about the hobbits. Look its getting late and I should be doing my music so maybe a poem another time?

In other words, that poem got the internal heating rod a little hot and bothered and he had to duck off to run it through the knuckles while wearing his custom made storm trooper outfit.

Chuck Long has decided to implement “The Reality Bytes Rules” . This will be a work in progress, a set of guidelines that leads to automatic date / relationship termination if anything on the list should take place. Lets get it started:

Reality Bytes Rules

• no poems on the first date / email / phone conversation

• Frodo Baggins must never be mentioned in revered tones