The Eagle has Landed

It’s all well and good documenting the ins and outs of a pregnancy each week but at some point every player needs to put his head over the ball and go when it’s his turn to go (to use hard core sporting metaphors). As loyal Reality Bytes readers will know, Chuck not only talks the talk, he walks the walk. So as delivery day drew nearer Chuck was fairly confident that he could run this child birthing process with precision and efficiency. All Chuck and Mrs Long needed was for the time to come. Well that time came on Wednesday night/ Thursday morning. And despite the cool facade, Chuck’s mettle was about to be tested.

Mrs Long had set the ball rolling on Wednesday morning with a text message to Chuck stating that the Long family would be in possession of a spawn by Thursday. Chuck scoffed at Mrs Long’s proclamation and attributed it to her recent transformation in state of mind that culminated in her saying last week “I want this thing out now!” However upon arrival home from his day job as a highly successful businessman Chuck encountered Mrs Long who was somewhat out of sorts with strange period like cramps and instantly knew that all was not well in the state of Denmark.

Being potentially Australia’s greatest husband, Chuck read the situation and did not ask Mrs Long what was for dinner. Instead, Chuck slung on the apron and whipped up a feast. Red lights began to flash again during the meal as Mrs Long was unable to get through Chuck’s gourmet offering. Chuck took no offence and set about cleaning up.

Chuck settled in for an evening of intellectual discussion, reading and documentary viewing. After 20 minutes of that Chuck decided to play a video game. It was in the midst of the video game that Chuck noticed Mrs Long jotting down times. Chuck’s advanced powers of deduction kicked in and determined that perhaps the contractions had commenced. Once again demonstrating husband of the year attributes Chuck grabbed the iPhone and began lap timing contractions.

Mrs Long put a call into the maternity ward who informed her that she should remain at home until her contractions were regularly occurring at 5 minute intervals. Over the course of the past 9 months Chuck has heard every labour horror story; 9 hours, 12 hours even 15 hours. With that knowledge in mind, Chuck settled into complete the video game and manage the timing process. The first contraction kicked in at a decent rate of pain for Mrs Long and Chuck began the arduous task of timing at 10.30pm. The contraction finished and 5 minutes later another commenced. The next break was 6 minutes, then 5.30, then 5, then 5, then 5. This had Chuck a little concerned as the video game was far from finished and at this pace Chuck may never get back to it.

Mrs Long called the hospital again but they seemed nonplussed and suggested a warm bath. Once again Chuck pinned the ‘Man of the Year’ badge on and ran a pleasant tub for his bride. Mrs Long climbed in and seemed instantly invigorated...until the first contraction kicked in and the intensity ratcheted up about 15 notches. Chuck employed the highly advanced back stroking technique that he mastered over the years while Mrs Long writhed in agony. Showing multi tasking ability Chuck continued to man the lap timer. Now in the bath tub contractions were happening every three minutes. After 30 minutes contractions were taking place every 1.5 minutes. It was at this point that Chuck decided to damn the advice of modern medicine, the Long’s were heading to the hospital.

Mrs Long gingerly climbed out of the bath tub and just as Chuck was drying her off, she launched in to another contraction sending her to the ground on all 4’s. At this point there was a gushing sound and Chuck was confronted with the sight of fluid rushing from her happy place. Her waters had broken. Chuck took matters into his own hands and decided to contact the maternity ward. The mere mention of ‘waters’ and ‘breaking’ was enough for them to suggest Mrs Long come in immediately.

Unfortunately, this was easier said than done as Mrs Long’s contractions had jumped to a new level. Chuck grabbed the pre packed bag, assisted Mrs Long into her grannie knickers and adult incontinence pad and made for the door. Mrs Long was struck down by another contraction just as Chuck open the apartment door and the subsequent groan echoed throughout the complex making it sound like Mrs Long was being beaten. Mrs Long was back on her knees crawling towards the door when she mentioned that she felt like pushing. Chuck had thoughts of delivering his spawn in the hallway and after reflecting on how much clean up would be required he powerlifted Mrs Long to her feet and gingerly walked her to the car.

The car proved to be another logistical nightmare as Mrs Long decided that the back seat was the best option but could only get herself halfway in because of the baby capsule. Chuck determined that trying to force the door shut on her legs was not ideal and had to assist in her crawl forward. Mrs Long lay sprawled over the centre consul and Chuck secretly hoped to be pulled over by a police officer so that he could play the pregnancy card and get an escort (despite the 7 minute travel time).

The Longs arrived at the hospital at 2.10am and were ushered to a birthing room. A tall midwife came into the room, instructed Mrs Long to remove her clothes and climb onto the bed. She then pulled on a rubber glove, lubed it up and launched into Mrs Long’s clacker for an internal examination. Obviously many women head for hospital at the first contraction and rather than having people sit around for hours, the assessment determines who can be sent home to wait. Imagine everyone’s surprise when the midwife announced that Mrs Long was 9cm dilated and the baby was well on its way.

Chuck’s first thought was that the highly paid obstetrician wasn’t even going to make it but at 2.30am he strolled in. The midwife was a total superstar, barking instructions, offering encouragement and helping wherever possible. Chuck will admit that it was definitely calming to also have the old doctor there for his expertise.

Mrs Long was given tutorials on pushing techniques and for the next 45 minutes brought the thunder. She tried squeezing it out on the table but getting the head to crown was proving difficult. The midwife suggested the birthing chair which basically looks like an adult potty. Mrs Long held on for dear life and managed to get the head to crown. Once this happened they switched her straight back to the bed*

*Since the birthing chair worked so well so quickly, after the entire process was over Chuck asked the midwife why the whole birth was not completed on it? To this she stated that the chair is good to get the head through the birthing canal, but when gravity is involved the baby can often come too fast resulting in tears from the vagina to the anus. YOUCH!

With Mrs Long back on the bed it was time to push like she had never pushed before. The catch cry was “push into the pain like you’re taking a poo”. If Chuck tried to do that now he’d end up with the worst case of haemorrhoids in medical history! Chuck was standing next to Mrs Long as she battled through this ordeal. At one stage the old doctor called out “Hey Chuck”. Chuck instinctively turned and was greeted with a full view of Mrs Longs nether regions featuring a small head trying to burst out of her vagina. Many men had warned Chuck to avoid looking there during the birth but once you’ve crossed the line you may as well keep going – it was fascinating.

Mrs Long was on the home stretch and during one sequence of contractions had 3 rock solid pushes. Normally she was fatigued after the 3rd but in this instance gave it one more crack and managed to push the head all the way out. This caught the good doctor by surprise who hadn’t managed to get his gloves on in time. Being a seasoned veteran he recovered and then deftly coached Mrs Long through some gentle pushes to get the shoulders out.

Admittedly what slid out resembled a space alien but once the blood started pumping and the colour came in, it was obvious that the Long spawn had received both Chuck and Mrs Long’s good looks. All told the Longs walked into the hospital at 2.10am and had a baby in their arms by 3.36am. Mrs Long wastes no time!

Chuck is often quick to use Mrs Long as the butt of these tales but she submitted a legendary performance that enhanced Chuck’s level of admiration to untold heights. On top of the above performance, she also toughed it out completely drug free – not one ounce of pain killer. Eye of the tiger stuff right there!

So Chuck’s a dad.......

Despair is most often the offspring of ill-preparedness – Don Williams Jr

Aside from the fact that Chuck has no idea who Don Williams Jr is or was, the above quote accurately depicts the situation that Chuck finds himself in. With a baby uncomfortably percolating in Mrs Long’s ample belly, it is now only a matter of time until the responsibility of young life is thrust upon Chuck. With that in mind, thoughts have turned to preparedness.

It was after much research and deliberation that Chuck came up with the above quote. Some others that were considered but didn’t make the cut include:

“When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one is reserve.”

-       Oscar Wilde

That one would have gone down like a lead fart if Mrs Long saw it.

“If you’re not practicing, somebody else is, somewhere, and he’ll be ready to take your job.”

-       Brooks Robinson

Fortunately Mrs Long doesn’t have a backup birth partner (well not someone who could get there within 4 hours)

“If you are not prepared to use force to defend civilization, then be prepared to accept barbarism.”

-       Thomas Sowell

Ok, so perhaps that one doesn’t fit the context.

So with little else to choose from, Chuck snagged Donny W’s words and has been making all sorts of preparations to ensure this childbirth runs as smoothly as possible.

The most pressing area of concern is getting Mrs Long through the childbirthing process. Chuck is fairly confident that the grip strengthening exercises that he has been working on over the last 5 months will hold him in good stead for Mrs Long’s grasp as the contractions take hold. However, after reflecting on the bulging forearms and bear trap like handshake Chuck realised that he may be somewhat underdone in the readiness stakes.

Many men would shrug their shoulders and play their cards where they may fall. Not Chuck. It was time for a crash course in birthing preparation.

After exhaustive research over 15 minutes, Chuck proudly stood in front of a fully packed bag and boasted to Mrs Long that he was well and truly ready for the impending birth of their child. Mrs Long’s expression shifted to one of disbelief as she instructed Chuck to unpack the contents of the bag so that she could ascertain the level of readiness.

Chuck dropped to a knee and confidently pulled out the following items:

1 pair of boardshorts

a clean set of underwear, socks and t-shirt

a crisply ironed shirt

comfortable shoes

a bottle of Gatorade and some muesli bars

Chuck stood up, placed hands on hips and awaited for Mrs Longs plaudits to roll in.

Instead, Chuck was met with stone cold silence and a look of utter disdain.

“Err Chuck, the bag is actually meant for the mother,” Mrs Long finally uttered.

Chuck was confused, “What about me?”

“When you squeeze a 4 kilo mass out of your body I’ll pack you bag, how about that?” Mrs Long retorted.

Chuck hastily stuffed the gear back into the bag and retreated towards the nearest computer in order to perform a little more comprehensive study of child birthing preparation.

Chuck did mention a couple of posts ago that Mrs Long had reached out to a few of her mother-to-be in arms and asked them what they were packing in preparation for their hospital stay. Chuck immediately switched off his head the minute he heard one woman say that she had packed bendy straws so that her partner could suitably assist her in drinking. Sure, undergoing a caesarian section may make leaning forward difficult but Chuck will be fucked if he cruising the shopping aisles looking for straws with varying ranges of motion to aid fluid consumption.

The more and more Chuck searched, the more it became apparent that people go WAY over the top when it comes to preparing for their stay in hospital. Chuck even knows of a colleague’s wife who was busy preparing a Gantt Chart to illustrate the start and finish of her project (pregnancy). That is anal-retentiveness to the power of infinity. Mrs Long wasn’t convinced of course.

Chuck admits that this forum has seen plenty of cheap shots fired in the Long Family’s obstetrician’s direction  - primarily over the cost of each consultation. However, all financial contributions were immediately justified when at the end of a visit Mrs Long asked the good doctor “what should I pack for the hospital?” The old pro leaned back in his chair, smoothed his Ermenegildo Zegna tie and looked Mrs Long squarely in the eye. “Anything you need, you just send this one to get,” he stated while gesturing at Chuck.

Chuck felt somewhat vindicated although immediately had concerns about how he would be able to ‘wet his child’s head’ if he was now on call to Mrs Long and her demand for bendy straws. In order to avoid this, Chuck decided to compromise and put together a bag full of goods that should be able to tide Mrs Long over for at least one night (so Chuck can get on the beers). The following is a list of items that has been recommended to Chuck (with Chucks comments):

Birth Plan – Chuck never really understood the whole concept of having a birth plan. This was confirmed by the good doctor early in the piece when asked about birth plans. “How many children have you had?” he asked.

“None” Chuck and Mrs Long responded.

“Well I’ve delivered thousands, so I’ll tell you how to get it out” came the confident response.

Needless to say, Chuck and Mrs Long didn’t bother with a birth plan.

Watch – the birth partner will need to time the intervals between contractions. If you get bored, it the stopwatch button as quickly as you can and see how low your time is.

Camera – you’ll want to capture the key moments. If you’re cool like Chuck, you’ll also snap off a couple of shots of the baby being squeezed out so that you can put together a PowerPoint presentation that will bring the house down at the child’s 21^st birthday party.

Music – should be something that is somewhat relaxing but Chuck has tossed in a collection of early Metallica in case there is a lull in proceedings and things need to be cranked up.

Water spray – apparently you use the mist to cool you’re partner down. This would last about 1 spray to Mrs Longs face before she threatened to shove the bottle up Chucks arse.

Socks- Hell hath no fury like a women with cold feet.

Dressing gown or button up pajamas – while most women lose all sense of self awareness as they’re desperately trying to get a watermelon out of their clacker, this sense of self awareness dramatically returns the minute the baby is out and they no longer appreciate being stark naked in front of everyone. Clothes that easily allow access to the boobies are a priority.

Toiletries – see above. The minute the baby is out, women will immediately want to smell like roses and look their very best.

Underwear liners and breast pads – since the new mother will likely be leaking from both ends it is imperative that they have preventative measures in place to ease the oozing.

It’s all about common sense and making the process as easy as possible. Chuck is sure that there is a million other things that could be put into a hospital bag but isn’t half the fun making it up as you go?

(Chuck ducks to avoid the flying bag of bendy straws hurled by Mrs Long in a fury!)