Derailment

Dear Chuck,

I work with a woman who I consider a ‘work friend’ in that I wouldn’t ever socialise with her unless it was work related or directly after work. Anyway, often on Friday nights, I catch up with my husband and his work mates for a drink and she always ends up coming along. Without fail she drinks too much and starts hanging off my husbands work mates. It is embarrassing and I am wondering if you have ever come across this before and how do I deal with it.

Thanks

Bobby Sue

Dear Bobby Sue,

Ok, what we have ourselves here is what Chuck likes to refer to as a good old-fashioned train wreck. Let Chuck guess, this woman is approximately 35 years old, single, loves a drink, wears slightly inappropriate clothing to work and projects the image of a party girl?

Yep?

Yeah, that’s your standard issue train wreck. This is the type of woman who moves too fast, goes way too hard, does everything to the extreme, is completely over the top and as a result barely manages to keep on track. Nearly every work place or group of friends has one. There are typically three types of a train wreck, let Chuck break it down:

Type 1

Women like this can never quite sustain a workable relationship with a bloke. Things are always intense, she falls in love after the first date, she has guys pinned up against walls in bars and nightclubs and dry humps their leg at 8.30pm, she has EXPLOSIVE arguments with boyfriends for no apparent reason, she packs up and moves to a foreign country with a surf bum after dating 3 weeks – safe to say she is somewhat unbalanced. The crazy chicks tend to be interesting because they’re up for anything including kinky sex and life is never boring (unfortunately they are also the hardest to get rid off since they employ tricks like lying under your car as you try to leave her house after a steaming fight).

Type 2

For whatever reason, type twos are not able to find Mr Right and are single and somewhat desperate. They can hear their biological clocks ticking and are constantly on the prowl for any sort of beef with a pulse. Women in this category drop references to settling down and having babies on the first date. They are so desperate to find a partner that they’re over attentive to any bloke, and are willing to give any knob-jockey airplay in the hope they can find a sliver of decency. Unfortunately, anxiety over finding a bloke sticks to them like the smell of dog poop when you accidently get it on your hand. No matter what you try, you can’t shake the stench.

Type 3

Alcoholic lush with a desire for the cock. Say no more really.

No matter which group your work mate falls into, they’re a fucking nightmare to deal with because they are high maintenance and embarrassing. If you were a bloke in this situation you would handle it in a couple of different ways:

• You would only catch up with single male friends and let them all take a crack at her on Friday nights.

• If she is a Type 2 train wreck, you would let her buy drinks all night (a common and foolish strategy to show that she is generous and thus desirable to potential partners).

• You would bring your nerdiest or fattest co-workers or associates along so that they have a chance of finding a wife or at least get laid and thus elevate you to hero status in your work place amongst the dorky or unpopular fraternity and guarantee you best man duties.

Basically you would be a dick.

Unfortunately for you in this instance, you are a woman and you are not genetically disposed to take advantage of this woman. So how do you deal with it?

Well for starters you could try to slip out unnoticed on Friday night, but Chuck’s guessing that Thomas the Tank Engine is probably packed up by 4pm with at least one office champers in her and an eye keenly trained on you so as to not miss your departure.

You could attempt to talk to her about her conduct and behaviour but that will probably result in her either calling you a fucking bitch or breaking down in a hysterical mess that you’ll be left to clean up and console.

Getting a new job is always an option and so is cancelling Friday night outings with your husband and his colleagues. Both ideas really end up messing with your life, which isn’t fair.

No, Chuck’s best advice is to try to determine what type of train wreck she is and then match the appropriate bloke to her in the hope that she will vacate from your social frame of existence ASAP. This will require a little work on your behalf (and your husband’s) but the dividends will prove to be very rewarding and hopefully entertaining.

So for Type 1, you are in for a real treat. This is the one where the most fun will occur. Try to find a bachelor who likes a good time or is a little wild and crazy. Pair these two up and watch them go off in a hurricane-like path of destruction. If you can match up their intensity and looniness, you will have months of viewing pleasure and potentially a homicide as they drive each other around the bend with their manic behaviour and intensity. Your husband is guaranteed to know some dude who thinks he’s Cleo’s Bachelor of the Year and will have a crack at this chick. There is a strong possibility that she may start dishing out a blow job at the pub – be prepared for that.

The Type 2 is a different kettle of fish. In this instance, you want to pair her up with another equally desperate bloke. Find a homely guy who got dumped by his high school sweetheart after 10 years on the eve of their wedding. He will be so keen to settle down that he will snap this train wreck up in a heartbeat to restore normality to his life. They can console each other.

Another option for Type 2 is your husband’s older co-worker who thought he was happily married until his wife announced that she was leaving him for her Pilates instructor. He will be so rudderless and heartbroken that the attention of any semi-decent looking woman will be enough to make him think he has found his soul mate…again. Train wreck 2 finds herself a partner (albeit a needy one) and you have one less headache.

There really is no easy way to deal with a Type 3 train wreck so you’ll just need to throw your husband’s single mates to the wolf. She loves the booze and she loves the shaft. What guy wouldn’t go for that? Eventually word will spread around his office that if you hang with him on Friday night you are guaranteed to get a nut off. You watch, your husband will end up in a senior executive position before you know it. Just make sure he doesn’t bring his deeply religious CEO along who wont take too kindly to being felt up at the bar as she chugs on a Bacardi breezer and drags on a cig.

Brazilian Women

Dear Madame Boodwah

I was wondering if you could offer your expertise on foreign women like Brazilian women to be precise.

About 7 months ago my brother an Australian male returned from a whirl wind trip around the world. During his travels he met a Brazilian girl who he has stayed in touch with. This month she’ll be arriving in Australia to stay with my brother for a month.

I’ve seen a photo of her and she is stunning. Like Gisele stunning. Sure I think my brothers a catch and I don’t mean to sound superficial but he’s no Hugh Jackman so I worry about what her true intentions are as she is from a 3rd world country.

Madame Boodwah am I just being over protective or is my intuition right? Your knowledge on Brazilian women would be appreciated.

Twisted Sister 



Dear Twisted Sister

One hot summers’s day in Brazil Madame Boodwah was lying on Copacobana Beach with her Brazilian friend Fernando sipping on some Caipirinha’s while watching the mostly naked world go by.

In front of us lay a couple of Caucasian men soaking up the rays and having a laugh when 3 Brazilian women walked over to them seductively wearing a bikini that left nothing much to the imagination.

‘Ola’ they sang in chorus smiling ‘where you from?’ they asked as they sat down making themselves at home.

To be honest these guys weren’t anything to do a double take on but these girls could easily get a triple take.

Madame Boodwah observed the interaction from behind her dark sunglasses trying to look inconspicuous. The Brazilian culture had definitely been an eye opener for her in the way women act around men. Madame Boodwah has always believed confidence is attractive but these girls took it to another level.

‘Fernando why are Brazilian women so forward?’ asked Madame Boodwah

‘Because in Brazil there are 3 single women to 1 single man’ Replied Fernando with a big smile knowing that the gods had blessed him.

‘Unfortunately we have a cultural problem here in Brazil where most Brazilian’s think that a person from another country is more ‘important’ than a Brazilian. There is also a big difference between the poor and the rich so when a poor woman in Brazil finds a rich foreigner she will usually do anything to get married to him.’ Continued Fernando

‘I see’ Replied Madame Boodwah

Fernando spotted a friend of his a couple of meters away from us sporting nothing but a thong and a humungous pair of plastically enhanced breasts.

‘Hey Cha Cha!’ he yelled out vying for her attention. Cha Cha turned around and noticed who it was then came running towards us waving and excited. It was like a scene out of Baywatch but without the red bathing suit. ‘Don’t give yourself a black eye’ thought Madame Boodwah.

‘Muwah muwah’ said Cha Cha as she lent over to kiss Fernando

‘Madame Boodwah this is my friend Cha Cha. Cha Cha this is my friend Madame Boodwah.’ Said Fernando

‘Nice to meet you Cha Cha.’ Said Madame Boodwah. Cha Cha lent over to kiss her ‘Don’t knock me out with those breasts’ thought Madame Boodwah.

‘Where is your husband?’ Asked Fernando

‘Oh he’s on a business trip’ Cha Cha explained as she rested her left hand with a big piece of bling on her hip.

After a bit more chit chat Madame Boodwah asked Cha Cha how she met her husband.

‘Well darling, I use to work in a bar and the first time I met him I asked him out and he said no. So I let it go then I try again and still he says no! Then he go away for a couple of years and we then run in to each other. I ask him out again and he says yes! I get pregnant and now I have bling, bling’ said Cha Cha holding up her hand giving Madame Boodwah the wink.

Note to men wanting to go on a naked rampage through Brazil: Don’t do what Nick Cave did and knock up 2 women in Brazil within a week of each other. Where a condom! (His sons are incredibly good looking though)

Eventually Cha Cha leaves us to go say hello to someone calling her name and Fernando rolls over and smiles at me ‘I make my case.’

The important thing here Twisted Sister is you have to ask your brother what kind of background she comes from? If she’s poor there’s a high chance she’s in it for the money but if you lived in a slum you could be possibly motivated to do the same thing. If she’s from a rich Brazilian family don’t expect her to very domesticated as she would have had servants doing this for her her whole life. However they could never carry on this lifestyle in say America, Australia or London because when you convert their dollar they wouldn’t be able to afford this lifestyle.

The best advice I can offer is to welcome her into your home but keep an eye on her. She’s only here for a month. She may give him the most mind blowing sex his ever had in his life and with time he’ll work out if he’s prepared to deal with the cultural and geographical differences. It’s also something he can one up his mates on because even they probably can’t get a Western girl who looks this good.

As a man by a pool side once told me as I cringed ‘Madame Boodwah unless you’ve got money, looks and charm it’s virtually impossible for an average male to get someone of with the looks of a supermodel in Australia but they can still get the crème de la crème of 3rd world countries even if they fail to see they are just the meal ticket.’

Hopefully your brother doesn’t look this objectively at women.

Good luck and keep us posted Twisted Sister!