I must break you

Early last week Chuck experienced a watershed moment - an occurrence that absolutely tests ones mettle and often determines which path you will continue on in life. Mrs Long had had a rough afternoon with the new Long spawn who’d suddenly decided that sleep was for pussies. Chuck figured he’d get home, strap on the super dad cape and restore order. Unfortunately it didn’t play out like that and the Long Spawn brayed like a mortally wounded donkey for the next 5 hours. At midnight, Chuck decided that both Mrs Long and the neighbours needed a respite and tossed the baby into a sling for a late night walk. Miraculously upon hitting the cool night air sleep came instantly which meant Chuck could turn around and head back in.

Unfortunately Chuck had only taken the front door key, forgetting the key to the secured building so a call to security was required. The security guard swiftly dragged himself away from whatever porn he was watching and met Chuck 15 minutes later. Before allowing Chuck into the building his training obviously kicked in and he asked Chuck to provide ID. A fatigued Chuck held up the infant and asked why on earth anyone would try and break into a building with a baby?

Chuck arrived back at the house with thoughts of deep slumber. The Long spawn had other ideas as she immediately awoke as soon as she crossed the threshold. After an attempt at feeding and more wailing, Chuck got dressed again and packaged the child for yet another walk. This time Chuck was determined to allow Mrs Long to sleep so a lengthier trek was required. Remembering to take both sets of keys, Chuck set off to walk around the cities wharfs and casino district. Of course the baby was asleep within 10 minutes of leaving the house!

Think about the last time you walked around a city or suburb at 2am in the morning completely sober. Chuck couldn’t recall the last time he ever had. The one upside is that you see and hear some very interesting things. Remarkably, the local 24-hour pub was doing a roaring trade at 2am on Tuesday morning. More remarkably, its clientele was primarily of the white-collar variety. What the fuck are these people doing sinking booze at that time on that day of the week? Chuck was just jealous.

Halfway through a local park, Chuck noticed that it was a sleeping venue for a number of homeless people. There was a moment of concern when Chuck realised that he could be mugged, but that concern was overcome rapidly when the threat of thrusting a screaming baby at a would-be attacker became the defence of choice.

After a solid 2 and a half hours, Chuck knew it was time to head home when the thought of hanging out at the casino suddenly became appealing. Chuck staggered in, collapsed into an armchair and passed out. Chuck was sleeping so heavily that he didn’t notice his infant crying on his chest 2 hours later. Once Mrs Long had taken the child and fed her, Chuck stumbled to bed. Sleep was fleeting as the alarm sounded one hour later. Chuck flung off the sheets to reveal that he was still fully clothed - including shoes.

It was at that moment that Chuck realised strategy, cunning and determination rather than plain dumb luck were required to win this war.  Chuck and Mrs Long needed to batten down the hatches, dig in and prepare for the arduous battle ahead. Mental and physical toughness are paramount in this epic tussle. This baby will not break Chuck!

The Follies of Cross Gender Friendship

Dear guru,

A keeno guy wants to take me on a 2nd date, he was interesting but a bit annoying and I'm not buzzed but open to friendship... Maybe, he has some good business ideas and I need to hang with people all motivated and inspired and stuff. Should I tell him in an email I'm not up for romance dates but friendly ones are OK? Or should I just let him work that out for himself when he goes in for the kill and finds my hand planted firmly on his face. I'm considering the fade because dating people you're not really into is tedious.

Alberta

Dear Alberta,

If you sent an email to any bloke like Chuck Long indicating that you’re blowing off an offer of a second date with a preference to be pals, you’d be at the receiving end of a prompt ‘click click delete” manoeuvre. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for women all over the world, there aren’t many guys like Chuck Long out there.

Chuck says unfortunately because every woman deserves a man with Chuck’s attributes and skill sets. The flip side to this is that there are plenty of suckers out there who’ll take an email relationship blow off and stick with you as you take them on the friendship ride. Now before a chorus of women mutter “its not all about sex Chuck, men and women can be friends”, let Chuck explain why a lot of men will cop the “no to relationship / yes to friends” offer and why it will never work.

Men and women can be friends. This typically occurs if:

-       The woman is ugly and the man is not attracted to her

-       They started off as friends (typically in school or at work) in an environment that isn’t conducive to relationships

-       One or both are / were in a relationship

Other than its very difficult for men and women to be friends because typically the reason for being friends in the first place is a level of attraction from one or both parties that has yet to be acted upon.

So if Alberta tells this dude that she wants to be friends, she is already in trouble because he is interested enough in her to want a second date. He isn’t dating for friendship; he’s looking for a poke and perhaps a relationship. By effectively cutting off his dick after the first date, this guys balls are going to swell each and every time he’s around her.

So why would the guy take the offer? Well, most women would like to believe that it’s because they’re so cool that guys would gladly accept being mates. Unfortunately, it’s not the case. No, many blokes who are smitten with a woman will head down the friendship path with the desperate hope that repeated exposure will eventually make the lady see how awesome he is and inevitably fall in love. As Rachel Hunter used to say in her shampoo ad “it wont happen over night, but it will happen” or on a much cooler level, you can use Ice Cube’s expression “life aint a track meet, it’s a marathon”. Many men would gladly accept those terms.

Regretfully this only happens in 5% of the cases (although the movies would have you believe that it results in a relationship 9 out of 10 times). A dude will stumble around like a puppy dog being ‘friends’ with a woman that often includes lunches, shopping and a whole host of other activities that normal men would never ordinarily partake in. This will go on for quite sometime until eventually the bloke either snaps and professes his love which makes the woman uncomfortable and causes her to freak and say ‘ I told you I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted to be friends” or the woman finds herself another man, not only breaking the puppy dogs heart but also resulting in the end of the friendship as the new bloke wont accept his woman having male friends.

Another reason for taking the offer of friendship up is the hope that you’ll eventually get drunk enough to bone your new friend. Seriously, there are plenty of guys out there who’ll hover around, just waiting for the moment to pounce (or to be pounced upon).  Chuck’s point is that this dude already likes you in a more-than-a-friend way and its very tough to engineer anything away from that. He’ll only agree to friendship because he can envision one of the two above scenarios playing out.

Alberta, you mentioned that the guy was a bit annoying. Let Chuck pose this question: “How many friends do you have that you consider a bit annoying?” The reason Chuck asks is because logic would suggest that you’d never be friends with someone who gives you the shits, so how on earth do you think you can be friends with this guy?

Your other idea about hanging out and then letting him figure out that you’re not that interested by dodging his advantages is somewhat cruel and could actually lead to some awkward situations, especially if he dropped some coin on date number 2 and took you to a really nice restaurant. Now Chucks not suggesting that shelling out some cash should entitle him to any sort of physical thanks on your behalf but why lead him on if you have no intention of escalating things? You’d be better placed to cut bait on this one and try your line at another fishing hole rather than reeling in a blowfish.

The only exception to all of Chuck's advice is if your hanging out with a Richard Branson type. Sure they’re fucking annoying (especially with the long bushy hair and big teeth) but the upside to spending time with them is that they’re high energy, have loads of contacts, work their nuts off and often own their own islands. And you wonder why these dudes end up with hot wives……..